Coffee and Testicles

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Driverman
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Coffee and Testicles

Postby Driverman » Mon Jun 01, 2015 11:40 pm

Coffee and Testicles

Stateside

A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.

The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"

He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."

"Ok, Have you ever been in the military service?"

"Yes," he says, "I was in Iraq for one tour."

The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment." Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"

The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles."

The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Okay. You've got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 pm. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 am every day."

The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 PM, why don't you want me here until 10:00 am?"

"This is a government job", the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that."
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Rushy
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Re: Coffee and Testicles

Postby Rushy » Tue Jun 02, 2015 6:06 am

Very funny
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veitnamcam
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Re: Coffee and Testicles

Postby veitnamcam » Tue Jun 02, 2015 11:28 am

Ha ha ha ha
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dynastar27
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Re: Coffee and Testicles

Postby dynastar27 » Sun Jun 21, 2015 5:38 pm

Awesome

Sent from my GT-I9505 using Tapatalk
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Driverman
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Re: Coffee and Testicles

Postby Driverman » Fri Sep 11, 2015 1:44 pm

A guy on an airplane is sitting next to a simply gorgeous babe, wearing a very sexy skirt and typing busily on a laptop computer. She's not paying any attention to him or to the stewardess asking her if she would like to eat or drink anything.

The guy comments to her, "Must be something pretty important you're working on"--she says: "Yes, I am doing a very important research paper." The guy has to ask, "Well, what's the research about?" The woman answers: "I am trying to determine which nationality has the most potent testicles, and which has the most stamina."

Taken aback, the guy asks: "And what did you find?"

The lady puts down her work and says : "People from Iran have the strongest balls, and Italians have the most staying power." Then she turns to him and says, "Oh, by the way, I'm Nancy. The guy says: "Nice to meet you, Nancy--my name's Antonio Rasfanjani!"...
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Driverman
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Re: Coffee and Testicles

Postby Driverman » Fri Sep 11, 2015 1:47 pm

Once there was a young man that survived a terrible plane crash and was lost in a forest. He had no idea where he was or which way to go. He wandered for days and survived on berries and twigs. He was much too slow to catch any kind of animal and couldn't even start a fire. He should have joined the boy scouts when he was younger.

After two week of wondering he found a three story house with smoke coming out of the chimney. Without hesitation he knocked on the door. A little old man answered the door. He had a long white beard that hung almost to the floor. "Please, I need some food and shelter," said the young man.

"This I will give you but you must promise not to fool with my lovely daughter," the old man replied. "Thank you, and I wouldn't think of messing with your daughter," said the visitor. "For if you do," said the old man, " I will inflict the three most gruesome Chinese torture tests that have ever been devised."

The man, too weak, agreed to this, thinking no woman could arouse him in his weakened state. After a shower and some sleep, the guest went downstairs to eat. A grand dinner was set up and the man sat to eat. The old man's daughter entered the room and to great surprise of the young man, she was most beautiful, so beautiful that the man could hardly tear his eyes away from her during the meal.

Later that night the man crept into the girls room just to take one last look at her for he promised to leave early the next morning with a map the old man gave him. When he opened the door, he saw the girl was awake and to his surprise, she ushered him in.

Well, being stuck in a forest with just your father doesn't suppress all urges so one thing lead to another. They were as quiet as possible not to wake the old man. After a few hours, the young man crept to his room thinking that any torture would be worth what he had just done. He fell asleep thinking of her.

When he awoke, he felt an enormous chest pain. As he opened his eyes, he saw a rock on his chest with a sign on it. It said:

1st Chinese torture, 100 pound rock on chest!

Well this wasn't hardly what the man thought would rate as torture and threw the rock out the window. As he did this he saw a second sign just outside the window it said:

2nd Chinese torture, left testicle tied to 100 pound rock!

Without hesitation, the young man jumped out the window knowing a 3-story drop would be far better than what was in store for him.

As he fell to the ground he saw a large sign on the ground. It said:

3rd Chinese torture, right testicle tied to bed post!
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Driverman
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Re: Coffee and Testicles

Postby Driverman » Fri Sep 11, 2015 1:49 pm

Jacob was walking home, when suddenly he stumbled on a magic lamp. He rubbed the lamp, and out came a Muslim genie. The genie told Jacob he could make three wishes, but that he would give twice the same thing to his worst enemy.

Jacob immediately thought about his annoying neighbor. Then he asked the genie for a big mountain of gold. Poof--there was a big mountain of gold on his backyard. He looked at the other side of the street, and his neighbor had two big mountains of gold.

Then he asked the genie for the ten most beautiful women the genie could think of.

Poof--there were in front of him ten statuesque supermodels. He looked at the other side of the street, and his neighbor had twenty superstars from Hollywood.

Now Jacob had plenty of money and beautiful women. So he asked the genie: Does it hurt to take out one testicle?
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Driverman
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Re: Coffee and Testicles

Postby Driverman » Fri Sep 11, 2015 1:52 pm

A couple tried for a while to conceive a child but had no luck. So, they went to the doctor. The doctor advised them to continue trying on their own, but they were sure there was a clinical reason for infertility.

So the doctor examined the woman, ran a few tests, and determined she could in fact get pregnant. The doctor then wanted a sperm sample from the man. He gave the couple a sealed sterile jar, and sent them into the exam room for an hour, and it was time for the clinic to close when the couple came out. They looked very embarrassed, and produced an empty jar. The doctor looked at the jar, looked at the couple, and asked if there was some problem.

The man looked at the ground and said, "Well, doc, I hate to admit I had a problem with this. I tried, but my hands are really tired. I tried with my left hand, I tried with my right hand, I tried with both hands, nothing. So my wife tried to help me, and then she tried with her left hand, and tried with her right hand, she pulled and pulled, but it just didn't help. Then we found some Vaseline in a cabinet. She rubbed it really good under the edge but that didn't help either. She tried using her mouth, but after trying that for a while, she just ended up with a sore jaw. We couldn't figure out what else to do, so we came out here.

The doctor said. "Do you often have a problem with impotence?"

The man said, Impotence!? Hell no! We couldn't get the damn jar open!!
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MUCKO
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Re: Coffee and Testicles

Postby MUCKO » Fri Sep 11, 2015 8:33 pm

thanks for the laughs @driverman keep them coming.
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dynastar27
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Re: Coffee and Testicles

Postby dynastar27 » Mon Sep 14, 2015 1:36 pm

awesome driverman
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