One of lifes lessons

The place to find and post your jokes... Typically uncensored !!
User avatar
Gibo
Posts: 517
Joined: Thu Apr 30, 2015 8:02 am
Location: The Hill
x 148
x 22

Re: One of lifes lessons

Postby Gibo » Mon Jul 27, 2015 1:52 pm

Gold
0 x

User avatar
Rushy
Site Admin
Posts: 1966
Joined: Wed Apr 29, 2015 8:08 pm
Location: Halfway up a hill on the true right of the Kaipara River
x 1
x 73

Re: One of lifes lessons

Postby Rushy » Mon Jul 27, 2015 2:27 pm

Absolutely classic.
0 x

Driverman
Posts: 60
Joined: Mon May 11, 2015 11:45 am
Location: Hutt Valley
x 13

Re: One of lifes lessons

Postby Driverman » Thu Jul 30, 2015 1:03 pm

Jim decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend.

One evening, after the honeymoon, he was cleaning his tramping boots, pack and rifle.
His wife was standing there watching him. After a long period of
silence she finally speaks. "Honey, I've been thinking, now that we
are married I think it's time you quit hunting. Maybe you
should sell all your guns and stuff.

Jim gets this horrified look on his face.

She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"

"For a minute there you were sounding like my ex-wife."

"Ex wife!" she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!"

"I wasn't!"
0 x

Driverman
Posts: 60
Joined: Mon May 11, 2015 11:45 am
Location: Hutt Valley
x 13

Re: One of lifes lessons

Postby Driverman » Thu Jul 30, 2015 1:09 pm

A young Robin stayed far too long in the summer feeding grounds. Finally one day, a horrible snow storm blew in and the young bird began to fly south. For hours and hours he flew thru the blinding snow and buffeting winds. Finally, exhausted, he was blown onto the frozen ground in the middle of the night onto a windswept pasture. ' So. This is how it will end. Cold and alone and in the darkness.', thought the young Robin. Just then, a cow who had been driven to seek refuge from the storm wandered by and, without a word, hoisted her tail and covered the young Robin with and enormous pile of dung and continued along her way without so much as a word. ' What have I done to deserve to die like THIS ?!!!' , thought the young Robin.
But the dung was quite warm, and before long, the storm blew by, the sun arose, and the young Robin became overcome with joy! He was not going to freeze after all! So overjoyed was he that he burst into song.
Just then, a Coyote sprang from the edge of the pasture, plucked the Robin from the dung pile and with a snap of his jaws, the young Robin's life was over.

We can learn 3 important lessons from this tale.
1 -Just because someone craps on you, they aren't necessarily your enemy.
2 -Just because someone gets you out of some craps, they aren't necessarily your friend.
3 -Most importantly, if you're warm and your happy, keep your mouth shut!
0 x

Driverman
Posts: 60
Joined: Mon May 11, 2015 11:45 am
Location: Hutt Valley
x 13

Re: One of lifes lessons

Postby Driverman » Thu Jul 30, 2015 1:12 pm

They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong,
but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds excercise
every 3 months is going to shift this beer belly.
0 x

Driverman
Posts: 60
Joined: Mon May 11, 2015 11:45 am
Location: Hutt Valley
x 13

Re: One of lifes lessons

Postby Driverman » Thu Jul 30, 2015 1:24 pm

Old timer: "Give me 3 packets of condoms, please."

Cashier: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?"



Old timer: "Nah...She's purty good lookin'....."

Besides when you are over seventy who cares?
__________________
0 x

Driverman
Posts: 60
Joined: Mon May 11, 2015 11:45 am
Location: Hutt Valley
x 13

Re: One of lifes lessons

Postby Driverman » Thu Jul 30, 2015 3:36 pm

A Russian and Ole the Norwegian wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic Gold Medal. Before the final match, the Norwegian wrestling coach came to Ole and said, "Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has". Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you're finished'. Ole nodded in acknowledgment.As the match started, Ole and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing Ole and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold. A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the coach buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the inevitable happen.

Suddenly, there was a scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the coach raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air. His back hit the mat with a thud and Ole collapsed on top of him making the pin and winning the match. The crowd went crazy. The coach was astounded.
When he finally got his wrestler alone, he asked, "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!"

Ole answered, "Vell, I vas ready to give up ven he got me in dat hold, but at da last moment, I opened my eyes and saw dis pair of testicles right in front of my face... I had nuttin' to lose so wid my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit dose babies just as hard as I could."

So the trainer exclaimed, "That's what finished him off!"

"Vel not really. You'd be amazed how strong you get ven you bite your own nuts!"
0 x

Driverman
Posts: 60
Joined: Mon May 11, 2015 11:45 am
Location: Hutt Valley
x 13

Re: One of lifes lessons

Postby Driverman » Thu Jul 30, 2015 3:42 pm

A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks the following question...
WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"
HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"
WIFE: "Why not? don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do.."
WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."
WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)
WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"
HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."
WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"
WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"
HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."
WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?
HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."
WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelery ?"
HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."
WIFE: "Would you take her hunting with you?”
HUSBAND: "Yes, those are always good times."
WIFE: "Would she use my 308?”

HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."

WIFE: -- Long silence --

HUSBAND: "Ah." (makes audible groan)
0 x

Driverman
Posts: 60
Joined: Mon May 11, 2015 11:45 am
Location: Hutt Valley
x 13

Re: One of lifes lessons

Postby Driverman » Thu Jul 30, 2015 3:43 pm

Its been a slow day today
0 x

User avatar
Scribe
Site Admin
Posts: 2256
Joined: Wed Apr 29, 2015 8:32 pm
Location: Coromandel
x 116

Re: One of lifes lessons

Postby Scribe » Thu Jul 30, 2015 4:25 pm

I enjoyed those very much 'driverman'. Snorted a bit of coffee out of one nostril thinking about the Wrestler chomping down on his own knackers. No damage done I hope.
0 x


Return to “The Funny Farm”

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 2 guests

cron
Website by RAZOR Web Design