Funnys

The place to find and post your jokes... Typically uncensored !!
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Rushy
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Re: RE: Re: Funnys

Postby Rushy » Mon Jun 08, 2015 11:04 am

veitnamcam wrote:
Rushy wrote:[quote="Gapped Axe"]fuck we need a like button

Yup.

You wouldn't use it anyway :D[/quote]
You know me only to well.
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Driverman
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Re: Funnys

Postby Driverman » Tue Jun 09, 2015 10:28 am

On a Trans-Atlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it.

Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die!" she wails.
Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable! I've had plenty of sex in my life, but no one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well I've had it! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN??"

For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril,and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.

Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane. "I can make you feel like a woman," he says. He was gourgeous. Tall, built, with long, flowing black hair and jet black eyes, he starts to walk slowly up the aisle,unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time. No one moves.

The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the strange man approaches. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, and extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman,and whispers: "Iron"
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Driverman
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Re: Funnys

Postby Driverman » Tue Jun 09, 2015 10:34 am

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around and groan in evident agony.

The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me," she told him earnestly.

"Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be alright. I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together in his groin.

But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and she put her hands inside. She began to massage him. She then asked him "How does that feel?"

He replied "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."
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Dundee
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Re: Funnys

Postby Dundee » Tue Jun 09, 2015 4:07 pm

A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, "Please, may I hide under your habit? I'll explain later."

The nun agreed. A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked,

"Sister, have you seen a soldier?"

The nun replied, "He went that way."

After the MP's ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her habit and said, "I can't thank you enough Sister. You see, I don't want to go to Iraq."

The nun said, "I understand completely."

The soldier added, "I hope I'm not rude, but you have a hairy pair of legs!"

The nun replied, "If you'd looked a little higher, you'd have seen a great pair of balls... I don't want to go to Iraq either
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Driverman
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Re: Funnys

Postby Driverman » Wed Sep 23, 2015 4:16 pm

Two Aucklanders Father and Son, were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store.

As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up.

One said to the other, 'I bet any minute now some thick provincial farmer type is going to walk by, put his face to the window and ask what we're selling.'

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious Dannevirke Man on holiday walked to the window, had a peek, and in a broad rural accent asked 'What are you selling here ?

One of the men replied sarcastically, 'We're selling arse-holes.'

Without skipping a beat, the Dannevirke Man said, 'You're doing very well then... only two left!
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Happy
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Re: Funnys

Postby Happy » Wed Sep 23, 2015 5:10 pm

Awesome... Sounds just like @Dundee as well ... :lol:
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Dundee
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Re: Funnys

Postby Dundee » Wed Sep 23, 2015 10:53 pm

funny oopsys :lol:
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Happy
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Re: Funnys

Postby Happy » Thu Dec 31, 2015 10:45 am

A man who'd just died is delivered to a local mortuary and he's wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed, pointing out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the mortician a blank check and says, “I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.”
The woman returns the next day and to her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.
She says to the mortician, “Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?”
To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank check, “There's no charge.”
“No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit,” she says.
“Honestly, ma’am it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice. So I just switched the heads.”
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Happy
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Re: Funnys

Postby Happy » Thu Jan 07, 2016 8:06 pm

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Happy
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Oldie. Re: Funnys

Postby Happy » Thu Jan 07, 2016 8:13 pm

A guy is browsing in a pet shop, and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch.
It doesn't have any feet or legs.
The guy says aloud, 'Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot.?'
The parrot says, 'I was born this way.
I'm a defective parrot.'
'Holy crap,' the guy replies.
'You actually understood and answered me. !'
'I got every word,' says the parrot.
'I happen to be a highly intelligent, and a thoroughly educated bird'
'Oh yeah?' the guy asks.
'Then answer this, how do you hang onto your perch, without any feet.?'
'Well,' the parrot says, 'this is very embarrassing, but since you asked, I wrap my cock around this wooden bar, like a little hook.
You can't see it, because of my feathers.'
'Wow,' says the guy.
'You really can understand, and can speak English, can't you.?'
'Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic, politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy.
I'm especially good at ornithology.
You really ought to buy me, I'd be a great companion.'
The guy looks at the £200.00 price tag.
'Sorry, but I just can't afford that.'
'Pssssssst,' says the parrot, 'I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me, cause I don't have any feet.
You can probably get me for £20, just make the guy an offer.!'
The guy offers £20, and walks out with the parrot.
Weeks go by.
The parrot is sensational.
He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful.
The guy is delighted.
One day the guy comes home from work, and the parrot goes, 'Psssssssssssst,' and motions him over with one wing.
'I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife, and the UPS man.'
'What are you talking about,?' asks the guy.
'When the Post Man delivered a package today, your wife greeted him at the door, in a sheer black nightie.'
'WHAT???' the guy asks incredulously.
'THEN what happened?'
'Well, then the Post man came into the house, and lifted up her nightie, and began petting her all over,' reported the parrot.
'NO!' he exclaims, 'and she let him.?'
'Yes.
Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees, and began to kiss her all over.'
Then the frantic guy demands, 'THEN WHAT HAPPENED.?'
DUNNO?!? I got a hard-on, and fell off my perch.!'
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