Funnys

The place to find and post your jokes... Typically uncensored !!
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Happy
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Re: Funnys

Postby Happy » Thu Jan 07, 2016 8:16 pm

EVER SINCE I WAS A CHILD, I'VE ALWAYS HAD A FEAR OF SOMEONE UNDER MY BED AT NIGHT. SO I WENT TO A SHRINK AND TOLD HIM: "I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under It. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy."
"Just put yourself in my hands for one year", said the shrink.
"Come talk to Me three times a week, and we should be able to get rid of those fears."
"How much do you charge?"
"Eighty dollars per visit", replied the doctor.
"I'll sleep on it,” I said.
Six months later the doctor met me on the street. "Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?", he asked.
"Well, eighty bucks a visit, three times a week for a year, is $12,480. A bartender cured me for $10.00. I was so happy to have saved all that money, that I went and bought me a new pickup truck."
"Is that so?", and, with a bit of an attitude, he said, "and just how, may I ask, did a Bartender cure you?"
"He told me to cut the legs off the bed. Ain't nobody under there now."
IT'S ALWAYS BETTER TO GET A SECOND OPIN
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Scribe
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Re: Funnys

Postby Scribe » Sat Jan 09, 2016 8:54 am

Very good 'Happy' I always enjoy the jokes but I cant remember them for long enough to re-tell them. This is an old one but its clever and still has the power to make you smile.

A dustman was going along a street picking up the wheelie bins and emptying them into his dustcart lorry.
He gets to one house where the bin hasn't been left out so he has a quick look for it, goes around the back but still cant see it so he knocks on the door. There is still no answer so he knocks again.

Eventually a Japanese bloke answers "Harro" says the chappy, looking perplexed.
'Alright mate, where's ya dust bin?" asks the dustman

"I bin on toilet" replies the Japanese bloke, looking perplexed,

Realising the Japanese fellow has misunderstood, the bin man smiles and says.
"No mate, where's your dust bin?"

"I dust bin on toilet I told you" says the Japanese man.

"Mate" says the dustman...."You're misunderstanding me...Where's your wheelie bin?"

"OK OK", says the Japanese bloke , "I wheelie bin upstairs having a wank!"
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dynastar27
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Re: Funnys

Postby dynastar27 » Thu Jan 14, 2016 12:36 pm

thats agood one Scribe
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Chop3r
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Re: Funnys

Postby Chop3r » Fri Jan 15, 2016 11:52 am

About 25 years back there were three guys doing possums down the southern end of the Waiau River in the Urewera. Now these guys were slaying the coons and were doing very well on first class skins.

After 6 months of solid work they decided that they needed a wee bit of R & R so headed off to Rotorua for the weekend. A few beers, a good feed and a wee bit of female company was on the books.

The first two wants were easily sorted but they had to talk to one of the locals for the last. They were given an address to check out and it was all on. Now the three of them had been pooling their money from the coons to finance their way into a Hughes 500 so didn't want to spend too much on ladies so they had a discussion and decided that they would only spend $125 max.

After tossing a coin to see who would go first the first was off with $25 to spend. After 30 minutes he came out to report.

"What happened, what happened"

"Well I got in there, gave her the $25 and she took my pants off and put a pineapple ring on my dick and ate it all off"

The next in line was getting a tad excited and rocked of with $50 in his hand while the other two waited. 30 minutes later he was out with a big grin on his face.

"What happened, what happened"

"Well I got in there and gave her the $50, she put one pineapple ring on my dick, put another pineapple ring on my dick and ate them both off"

By now the last guy was so excited he damn near bust his pants. He grabbed the last of the money and was gone.

30 minutes went by and no sign on him, another 30 and his mates were getting worried and then out he came. He was all hunched up and not looking all that good.

"Shit mate you don't look all that great, what happened?"

"You wouldn't bloody believe it, I got in there a she dropped my pants, she then put one pineapple ring on my dick, she put another one on my dick, she then covered the rings with whipped cream and then put a cherry on the top and it looked that bloody good I ate it myself"
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Re: Funnys

Postby Scribe » Sun Jan 17, 2016 12:15 pm

..
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Happy
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Re: Funnys

Postby Happy » Mon Mar 07, 2016 5:16 pm

A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved 3 year-old grandson. It's obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets, biscuits, you name it. Meanwhile, Grandpa is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, "Easy William, we won't be long . . . easy, boy." Another outburst and she hears the grandpa calmly say, "It's okay, William, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy". At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart and Grandpa says again in a controlled voice, "William, William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes, stay cool, William." Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. She says to the elderly man, "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying 'things would be okay.' William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa." "Thanks," said the grandpa, "but I'm William. The little shit's name is Kevin.”:)
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Happy
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Re: Funnys

Postby Happy » Mon Mar 07, 2016 5:16 pm

Paddy had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition.
It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday.
On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the pub on the far side for their first legal drink.
So when Paddy's, 18th birthday came 'round, he and his pal Mick, took a boat out to the middle of the lake, Paddy, stepped out of the boat ...and nearly drowned!
Mick just barely managed to pull him to safety. Furious and confused, Paddy, went to see his grandmother. '
Grandma,' he asked, "It's my 18th birthday, so why can't I walk 'cross the lake like my father, his father, and his father before him?"
Granny looked deeply into Paddy's, troubled brown eyes and said, "Because your father, your grandfather and your great grandfather were all born in December, when the lake is frozen, and you were born in August, you frickin' dip shit.
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Happy
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Re: Funnys

Postby Happy » Wed Mar 16, 2016 5:12 pm

Wife asks her husband.
"Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6."
Short time later the husband walks in with 6 cartons of milk.
Wife asks him, "Why the hell did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"
He replied, "They had eggs. :lol:
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Scribe
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Re: Funnys

Postby Scribe » Thu Mar 17, 2016 11:32 pm

Very clever 'Happy'

ONE SENT TO ME ON ST PATRICKS DAY.

A Greek and an Irishman were sitting in Starbucks Café discussing who had the superior culture.

Over triple lattes the Greek guy says "Well we Greeks built the Parthenon" and arched his eyebrows.

The Irishman replies "Well... it was the Irish that that discovered the summer and winter solstices".

The Greek retorts " We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics".

The Irishman nodding in agreement and says "Irish were the ones who built the first timepieces and calendars".

And so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion. With a flourish of finality he says

"The Greeks were the ones who invented sex".

The Irishman replies "Aye that is true, but it was the Irish that introduced it to Woman".

Goodnight.
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Neckshot
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Re: RE: Re: Funnys

Postby Neckshot » Sun Apr 10, 2016 10:10 pm

Brads wrote:Appropriate and true
[img]http://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20160410/b168eb8da2521f1cef36352cd98f2714.jpg[/img]


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Is that your writing Brads? Can't quite tell as its not written in cryon :P

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